Seinfeld Quips

Seinfeld Quips

May 7th 2012

Introduction

Since the past two years or so, I have been obsessed with this TV sit-com called "Seinfeld". If you ask me, it is the best sit-com ever and will remain to be so. I just cant get enough of this show. I watch it, I re watch it, I re-re-watch it, etc. but i never get bored or tired of it.

So, if you haven't watched the show, I beg of you, please do!

What I will being doing on this page is, post some scenes or conversations from the show which I find to be interesting. Hope you guys like it. Here we go.

The Phone Message - Season 2 Episode 4

Jerry: You're still thinking about this?

George: She invites me up at twelve o clock at night, for coffee. And I don't go up. "No thank you, I don't want coffee, it keeps me up. Too late for me to drink coffee." I said this to her. People this stupid shouldn't be allowed to live. I can't imagine what she must think of me.

Jerry: She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.

George: She invited me up. Coffee's not coffee, coffee is sex.

Elaine: Maybe coffee was coffee.

George: Coffee's coffee in the morning, it's not coffee at twelve o clock at night.

Elaine: Well some people drink coffee that late.

George: Yeah, people who work at NORAD, who're on twenty-four hour missile watch. Everything was going along so great: she was laughing, I was funny. I kept saying to myself "Keep it up, don't blow it, you're doing great."

Elaine: It's all in your head. All she knows is she had a good time. I think you should call her.

George: I can't call her now, it's too soon. I'm planning a Wednesday call.

Elaine: Oh, why? I love it when guys call me the next day.

George: Of course you do, but you're imagining a guy you like, not a guy who goes (in stupid voice) "Oh no, I don't drink coffee late at night." If I call her now, she's gonna think I'm too needy. Women don't wanna see need. They want a take-charge guy - a colonel, a kaiser, a tsar.

The Seinfeld Chronicles - Pilot - Season 1 Episode 1

GEORGE: [In laundry room] Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried?

JERRY: No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish.

GEORGE: You're gonna "overdry" it.

JERRY: You, you can't "overdry".

GEORGE: Why not?

JERRY: Same as you can't "overwet". [George looks puzzled] You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".

GEORGE: [looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry] Any questions?

The Serenity Now - Season 9 Episode 3

The Costanzas (Frank and Estelle, retired couple and George their 30 something son) are driving in the car.

Frank: I got no leg room back here. Move your seat forward.

Estelle: That's as far as it goes.

Frank: There's a mechanism. You just pull it, and throw your body weight.

Estelle: I pulled it. It doesn't go.

Frank: If you want the leg room, say you want the leg room! Don't blame the mechanism!

George: All right, Dad, we're five blocks from the house. Sit sideways.

Frank: Like an animal. Because of her, I have to sit here like an animal! (Yelling) Serenity now! Serenity now!

George (surprised): What is that?

Frank: Doctor gave me a relaxation cassette. When my blood pressure gets too high, the man on the tape tells me to say, (yells) 'Serenity now!'

George: Are you supposed to yell it?

Frank: The man on the tape wasn't specific.

George: What happened to the screen door? It blew off again?

Estelle: I told you to fix that thing.

Frank (extremely loudly): Serenity nowww!

The Jimmy - Season 6 Episode 19
JERRY: Naaaaaahhh...I can't watch a man sing a song.

Elaine: What are you..crazy?

Jerry: They get all emotional , they sway. It's embarrassing.

Elaine: Well, what am I gonna do for a date.?...Oh! do you know that.. um! Blond guy who's always at the Exercycle at the health club?

Jerry: I don't think so.

Elaine: Yeah yeah! He's really handsome with those...

Jerry: (interrupting) Elaine , I really don't...............pay much attention to men`s faces.

Elaine: You can't find beauty in a man?

Jerry: No... I find them repugnant and unappealing.

(Note: I must say I agree with that last line)

The Face Painter - Season 6 Episode 23

George proposes to a girl and she replies "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat".

Jerry and George are discussing it later.

Jerry: "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat."

George: Yup.

Jerry: Those damn 'I love you' returns.

George: Well, it's all over. I slipped up.

Jerry: Oh, you don't know.

George: You have any idea how fast these things deteriorate when there's an 'I love you' out of the bag? You can't have a relationship where one person says, "I love you", and the other says, "I'm hungry. Let's get something to eat.".

Jerry: Unless you're married.

George: I mean, now she thinks that I'm one of these guys that love her.  Nobody wants to be with somebody that loves them.

Jerry: No, people hate that.

George: You want to be with somebody that doesn't like you.

Jerry: Ideally.

George: I am never saying 'I love you' again unless they say it first.

The Ticket - Season 4 Episode 4

(Jerry's stand up comedy)

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart, but my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

The only thing dumber than the helmet is the helmet law, the point of which is to protect a brain that is functioning so poorly, it's not even trying to stop the cracking of the head that it's in.

The Old Man - Season 4 Episode 18

Jerry is reading the paper while George reflects on things...

George: Oh, what's the point? When I like them, they don't like me, when they like me, I don't like them. Why can't I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don't like?

Jerry: Well, you've only got another fifty years or so to go before it'll all be over...

George: Maybe I need someone who doesn't speak English.

Jerry: Yeah, how about a mute?

George: A mute would be good.

Jerry: Ah, where you gonna meet a mute?

George: This is what my life has come to... Tryin to meet a mute.

George quickly shifts into deep philosophical mode. Jerry remains pedestrian on the issue, still reading the paper.

George: There's gotta be more to life than this. What gives you pleasure?

Jerry: Listening to you. I listen to this for fifteen minutes and I'm on top of the world. Your misery is my pleasure.

The Old Man - Season 4 Episode 18

George: Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?

Newman: I'm a United States postal worker.

George: Aren't those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?

Newman: Sometimes...

Jerry: Why is that?

Newman: Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there's never a let-up. It's relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it's "Publisher's Clearing House" day!!!

Kramer: Newman!! (who comes out of his trance)

The Fix-Up - Season 3 Episode 16

George and Jerry are in a restaurant, George is eating sloppily.

George: I mean it's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.

Jerry: Oh, so there's still hope.

George: I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care, and when you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.

Jerry: Oh, so hopelessness is the key.

George: It's my only hope.

The Lip Reader - Season 5 Episode 6

Gwen is breaking up with George.


Gwen: I'm sorry George.

George: I don't understand things were going so great. What happened? Something must have happened.

Gwen: It's not you, it's me.

George: You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me". Nobody tells me it's them not me, if it's anybody it's me.

Gwen: All right, George, it's you.

George: You're damn right it's me.

Gwen: I was just trying to...

George: I know what you were trying to do. Nobody does it better than me.

Gwen: I'm sure you do it very well.

George: Yes well unfortunately you'll never get the chance to find out.

The Visa - Season 4 Episode 15

Jerry (subdued, almost somber): Hello. Welcome back.

Cheryl: Sorry, it was my aunt's birthday and she makes such a big deal about it.

Elaine: Well, nobody likes to get old, right?

Jerry: Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

The Sponge - Season 7 Episode 9

Jerry (about a girl he's dating): Something very strange about this girl.

George: What?

Jerry: She's too good!

George: Too good?

Jerry: I mean she's giving and caring and generally concerned about the welfare of others. I can't be with someone like that.

George: I see what you mean.

Jerry: I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

George: Where's the depravity?

Jerry: No depravity!

The Strong Box - Season 9 Episode 14

George, drinking tea in his apartment with his girlfriend, : I-I've given this
a lot of thought. I'm sorry, but we, uh, we have to break up.

Maura: No.

George, after hesitating: What's that?

Maura: We're not breaking up.

George, after hesitating: We're not?

Maura: No

George, after hesitating even longer: All right.

(George discussing the scene later with Jerry)

Jerry  She said no?

George: She said no.

Jerry: What did you do?

George: What could I do? We fooled around and went to a movie.

Jerry: George, both parties don't have to consent to a breakup. It's not like you're launching missiles from a submarine and you both have to turn your keys.